A Prayer for Guidance

God of hope and forgiveness, we are so thankful for the opportunity to serve this community and its people who we love so much.

We are here as listeners; help us to hear your voice.
We are here as followers; help us to see where it is you will lead us.
We are here as sisters and brothers; help us to better understand that relationship.
We are here as leaders; remind us that first we are servants.

As we dream of a future together, please continue to shape us, mold us, bend us, challenge us, invite us, and beckon us, so that we can hear your call to love justice, seek kindness and walk humbly with you every day. Amen

Good Grief

Today I enter my ninth month as the Associate Pastor of the Monroe Congregational Church, United Church of Christ. As I look back on my preparation for ministry it is clear to me that the summer I spent in Clinical Pastoral Education was very important. I served as a chaplain intern in the oncology and ER departments at a local hospital, and during that time I learned to walk with grief as a daily companion:

• The sudden grief of a family in the emergency room when their loved one didn't pull through...
• The agonized grief of making difficult health care choices for someone precious...
• The slow yet steady grief of saying goodbye to a companion who is slowly slipping away...

I will always remember some of the patients and family members who granted me the privilege of accompanying them on their journey.

The folks in the hospital were people that I accompanied for a brief period of time in a specific place. Their grief, real as it was, touched me but my affection for them was not deep as those I serve here in the local church. At MCC, grief is very real and very present in our lives together. I see it in the eyes of those suffering with grief, and those that love them.

We here at church want to be able to support each other through the stages of grieving, we want to do something more significant and long-lasting, we want to go beyond the tuna noodle casserole. But sometimes we aren't sure what to say or do to help. Here are some thoughts about how you might help someone in their grieving:

1. Listen more than you speak, be there for them long-term, grief is a process that may take years. Maintaining silence and being available for the survivor as a non-anxious presence is good support.

2. Validate their feelings, even if those are very different from emotions you might express (anger, resentment, abandonment). No grief is the same and we each respond differently.

3. Do talk to grievers. Allow them to tell and retell their story, ask kind questions, repeat parts back to them. Avoid trying to fix their pain with a story from your own experience.

4. Acknowledge important dates like birthdays, holidays and anniversaries to the survivor with a phone call, visit or greeting card. Continue to mention the deceased by name and avoid generic phrases like "your mother" or "your spouse".

5. Do consider giving the griever appropriate physical contact such as hugs, firm two-handed handshakes or a pat on the back, if the person seems comfortable.

6. Remember to offer your personal condolences to a child or youth in mourning. Kids are capable of grieving as deeply as adults, although quite often they are totally forgotten and wakes and memorial services.

7. Encourage them to seek professional medical and spiritual help. Medical professionals can screen for depression, anxiety and other disorders that may arise in the griever. A trusted clergy person can help them cope with any spiritual questions they may have.

I think that grief, although painful, is a good thing. As we process the emotions that arise in us during the grieving process, we often find a place of acceptance and peace. Our friends, family and other trusted professionals often help get us to that place but the journey is as individual as are God's children. May you find your path.